Fall 1st Hop Critique 6

I'll give a shot at some first page comments. Keep in mind that feedback on a first page is subjective by nature. What does and does not catch the eye is going to vary by person. Each writer must weigh the comments they get against their own judgement and make the changes that resonate with them.

The hop is now closed. Be sure to finish up your critiques. Writers at the beginning and ending of the list should critique each other. If you have a revision, you can ask for feedback on the #Fall1stHop hashtag. 

Query Hop coming in December so stay tuned!

The random number generator picks 12!

Here is the first page without comments:

Adult Science Fiction- WIP

CHAPTER ONE

LAKE ERIE HURON, OHIO 1966  

John Wilson was a normal twelve-year-old boy obsessed with murder. He drew from his vivid imagination and spun wild gruesome stories. Some stories he wrote down and handed in as class assignments. Others stories, he would just start talking about while at the dinner table. All of the tales were about murder and he could never seem to stop talking. 

“John, please for the love of God. Stop,” his mother begged. It wasn’t that she didn’t love John, but she just couldn’t understand his fascination with wild fantasies. His older sister Sarah and younger sister Janie actually started to run away from John as he started to tell a story. 

“But, mom, I just wanted to share with you. Maybe you should call the police.”

“John, stop that nonsense. You have never been out of the State of New Mexico. How could you have witnessed a murder in Ohio?” Nina Wilson regretted asking that question as soon as the words left her lips. She knew better than to indulge these fantasies. 

“I was there. I was there just like all of the other times.”

Nina threw her hands up in the air and turned to face John. Her eyes burned with a fury. John had seen it before and recognized that he was in trouble. But no amount of beatings would stop his visions.“Go to your room. Not another word.” Nina commanded.

John sulked off to his room. But he could not get the image of the dead man out of his mind. 

And with my crazy comments:

Adult Science Fiction WIP

CHAPTER ONE

LAKE ERIE HURON, OHIO 1966  

John Wilson was a normal twelve-year-old boy obsessed with murder. He drew from his vivid imagination and spun wildcomma gruesome stories. Some stories he wrote down and handed in as class assignments. Others stories, he would just start talking about brought up while at the dinner table. All of the tales were about murder and he could never seem to stop talking. Maybe instead of this telling, you could use dialogue of John telling one of his gruesome stories. Then you can allow the reader to 'get' that he's obsessed.

“John, please for the love of God. Stop,” his mother begged. It wasn’t that she didn’t love John, but she just couldn’t understand his fascination with wild fantasies. His older sister Sarah and younger sister Janie (not sure we need to know which is older or younger on the first page. Maybe save space for more important details. His two sisters Sarah and Janie) actually started to run away from John as he started to tell a story. (Also you could show them running away. "Mom," Sarah huffed, "can I be excused." "Me too," Janie said, eager to escape.)

“But, mMom, I just wanted to share with you(Doesn't feel like this is the right phrasing. It's too calm. But, Mom, you have to do something.). Maybe you should call the police.”

“John, stop that nonsense. You have never been out of the State of New Mexico. How could you have witnessed a murder in Ohio?” Nina Wilson regretted asking that question as soon as the words left her lips. She knew better than to (Filtering.) Never indulge these fantasies. 

“I was there. I was there, just like all of the other times.”

Nina threw her hands up in the air and turned to face John. Her eyes burned with a fury. John had seen it before and recognized that he was in trouble. (Show.) John went silent, recognizing trouble. (You're doing some head hopping here. We're getting the inner thoughts of first Mom and now John. That's fine if your story is 3rd person omniscient, but that POV is not used much nowadays. Most writers use 3rd person limited which means only one person's thoughts in a scene.) But no amount of beatings would stop his visions.“Go to your room. Not another word.” Nina commanded.  

John sulked off (Show) dragged his feet all the way to his room. But he could not get the image of the dead man out of his mind. (Since you didn't describe the image, this really falls flat. Get it into the first paragraph with dialogue.) 

Pretty strong for a WIP, but it still has a lot of telling, and we're missing the emotion of what John saw. I'm guessing this is a prologue. Prologues are already suspect by agents as being unnecessary so you really need it to have an impact. Punch up the emotion. Is John desperate to have his visions acted upon? Is it hurting him that no one takes him seriously? Show what's motivating John. 

From the first paragraph, I mistook this for him having a wild imagination. But what's happening is something else. Go with that and ramp up the emotion and sense of urgency.

Hope this helps.